Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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