i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
