my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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