You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
