i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
