So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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