Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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