She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
50% drunk capacity currently
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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