My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
