Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
