Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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