My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
