My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
