you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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