it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I touched a dick in church today
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize