My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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