Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
