What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
