alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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