last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
