I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
