Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
