Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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