If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
