For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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