she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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