great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
