Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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