he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
