Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
