i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
