I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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