During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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