Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
