U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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