Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
