Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize