I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
