I wish they made helmets for livers.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
