Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
