Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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