have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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