Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I don't deserve a penis
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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