3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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