i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
