Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize