Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
