No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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