my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
