I have demons in me.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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