I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
