Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
