i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
