the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
