come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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