I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
