the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
