Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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